Wednesday, August 15th

It has been a fun Summer but looking back at all of the people around Raeven does not seem like a mixture for success.

Still reading Matthew 22

Raeven have to put God first. The people around Raeven don’t know what that means, but we are also supposed to love our neighbors. Raeven not sure what to do. Raeven is going to also read Daniel after dinner.

Raeven spoke to her Mom, Alycia and gave her an update. It’s too bad she doesn’t want to come over and help with the girls. That would help a lot.

8:45 pm               Picking up laundry. Malesh is in a foul mood.

Raeven prays for her neighbors. Roland is the hardest person to pray for. The Bible says to pray for her enemies between him and Frank Raeven don’t know what to do. Those are two people whom Raeven could totally live without now. Raeven? Doing her very best to make the right choices. Trying to hang in there and have a positive attitude. Gale is coaching Raeven to hang in there with Blaine. Raeven realize though if Raeven had a family or any kind of a future with him that would make Raeven a “crazy person”. He has no foundation and some deep problems relationally. Problems that I didn’t care to involve my children in. it was hell living there and this was turning into a nightmare too. I don’t like to get involved in long-term relationships on that unstable of a foundation.

940pm  Raeven spoke with Roland about being fair, honest and treating people fairly. He says, “what do Raeven know?!”

10pm     Girls are going to bed. Malena and Céline are amazing, smart and funny. They make friends everywhere they go. If Raeven is going to be ready to relaunch the company Raeven got to have all three of her staff trained on the phones before December. Raeven supposes Raeven will play to her strengths and pray that God will supply Raeven with the rest.

Blaine just called and said that he really loves Raeven. Raeven don’t know what any of this means? It doesn’t look like he is going to let Raeven go anytime emotionally soon.

It seems Roland and Gale are in cahoots with him to let him run her life. They don’t know about his baby’s momma and the phone calls that Raeven been getting. Raeven feels trapped. Blaine wants Raeven to keep his secrets. Why is Raeven here? It feels like being trapped in a lie, other people’s lives, not even her own! Raeven been through abuse from as early as Raeven can remember, Raeven have to escape from the crazies. Raeven keep praying that it is in God’s hands. James called Raeven today out of the blue to say hi. He said that Raeven doesn’t sound happy. Raeven not, but Raeven didn’t tell him that. she just kept quiet. but the relationships men always get bossier more demanding more emotionally abusive. Subtlety not answering calls disappearing acts for days at a time uncommunicable.

Trying to think like a mother. Raeven doesn’t know, never had one, what is so dysfunctional about his life. Raeven did know. But can Raeven help her children have better, more moral life choices in partnerships and support networks? A better moral value, character ole model kinds of people. Raeven doesn’t know. Everyone is struggling and Raeven is unsure, where to turn.

It seems that her refusal to break Gods law is being met with all sorts of opposition. Raeven have been called a goody two shoe. She thinks she is perfect and everything else. The managers are the worst when it comes to the put-downs and the insults. tying to believe, Raeven needs to trust somebody if Raeven going to be able to make it out of these apartments. But who can Raeven trust her kids to be around? Raeven feels like Raeven can trust a few of the women here’s, but things are still really hectic and chaotic. Some women’s spouses have questionable character habits. Her children are confused enough about having to move around and the disconnect between family. Raeven can’t imagine what this must do to a child who recognizes the brokenness. Raeven just wants to give then=m stability and a foundation. Something Raeven now realizes Raeven don’t have. All Raeven have is Jehovah God. Its literally all Raeven have.

Raeven have to be grateful. We made it this far. We may as well stay faithful and keep trying. Raeven feels a great sense of loss within friendships. Everything and everyone Raeven thought Raeven had Raeven didn’t really, they were just for the season, not really meant to be here long term Raeven guess. Just poof vanished into thin air. Raeven reaches out every now and again but Raeven feels like Raeven is part of no one’s lives. Since Raeven has no family, Raeven have no relationships with anyone. It feels like a real loss Raeven must have someone.

Trying to make something out of nothing. Trying to build a mansion out of the rubble that is her life.

What’s next. No good news. The chaos gets worse. Far worse.

converted 3/5/19